Post by Þórir on May 26, 2019 16:03:13 GMT 1
May as well say something about my own experience so far, I'm pretty sure that I'm straight but here goes:
My parents relationship initially began to break down when I was only 9 years old - I'm 17 now and they still live in the same house so go figure what that must be like... Basically my mother got an American internet boyfriend in his 60s and pretty much everything else played second to him - me and my siblings included. At first I was blissfully unaware of it all, then I went through the denial stage once I sensed something was wrong. Eventually it got to the point that the household could barely function and as for me and the others, well we've been used bargaining chips and weapons, and fed lie after lie about each parent and their extended families. I ended up having to effectively shut myself off from my family and became incredibly distant to them just to avoid letting it get to me, which is pretty much the current situation. The big shock for me was discovering that my mother, after blowing the family vacation funds to see her bf in America, threatened to abduct us kids while my dad was at work and take us from Iceland to the rural US - I never realised she was that selfish and willing to fuck up my life just for her own desires - She would have gotten away with it if my dad didn't find out and lock away our passports in a safe with his friends house. They've never moved out because my mother has refused to get a job by any means and my father can't support two households on his own, and that sense of being trapped in such an inescapable situation has pretty much caused an ingrained fear into me.
At the same time by best friend's family went through a similar shitshow, although his parents moved in and out with each other several times, each one the kids being tossed around like a ball. His situation was shorter but far more explosive and involved borderline domestic abuse, an attempted suicide and restraining orders all around. Luckily its all over for them now and he is getting much better by the day but at the time I really saw my friend spiral badly - he had no stability in his life and it really showed. Seeing both the two families I knew best crumble apart so badly really changed my perception of how the whole thing went down
Point is the whole thing has really fucked up my idea of love - I'm genuinely terrified of it to the extent that I used to become extremely nasty when I'd been confessed to by two different girls - I didn't even hate them and they were probably good matches but I just couldn't handle the idea of being in love and the commitment that comes with it. My soft side is now one that practically no one ever sees (I can barely even say a nice personal compliment to somebody or tell my grandparents how much I care about them - which I really do), I've pretty much never had a crush except for one slight bit of feelings toward a female friend which disappeared quickly after I actually pictured the reality of being in a relationship and I realised I was becoming a much worse friend because of it - Constantly being insulting and patronising among other things, she actually thought it was hilarious and tried to encourage it but I knew I'd overstep the boundary if I didn't stop myself
Thing is, I've never really felt any sexual desire either - whether thats because the whole thing has happened right as I'm going through the stage where people discover their sexuality and I glitched because of everything or otherwise, but I've never looked at someones body and been attracted by it or felt a desire to have sex. I don't think I'm asexual really but at the same time I wouldn't be surprised if I've become one
Perhaps I'm scared of it all. Perhaps the whole experience just broke me. Perhaps I was always faulty in that side of things - I guess only the future will determine that.
My parents relationship initially began to break down when I was only 9 years old - I'm 17 now and they still live in the same house so go figure what that must be like... Basically my mother got an American internet boyfriend in his 60s and pretty much everything else played second to him - me and my siblings included. At first I was blissfully unaware of it all, then I went through the denial stage once I sensed something was wrong. Eventually it got to the point that the household could barely function and as for me and the others, well we've been used bargaining chips and weapons, and fed lie after lie about each parent and their extended families. I ended up having to effectively shut myself off from my family and became incredibly distant to them just to avoid letting it get to me, which is pretty much the current situation. The big shock for me was discovering that my mother, after blowing the family vacation funds to see her bf in America, threatened to abduct us kids while my dad was at work and take us from Iceland to the rural US - I never realised she was that selfish and willing to fuck up my life just for her own desires - She would have gotten away with it if my dad didn't find out and lock away our passports in a safe with his friends house. They've never moved out because my mother has refused to get a job by any means and my father can't support two households on his own, and that sense of being trapped in such an inescapable situation has pretty much caused an ingrained fear into me.
At the same time by best friend's family went through a similar shitshow, although his parents moved in and out with each other several times, each one the kids being tossed around like a ball. His situation was shorter but far more explosive and involved borderline domestic abuse, an attempted suicide and restraining orders all around. Luckily its all over for them now and he is getting much better by the day but at the time I really saw my friend spiral badly - he had no stability in his life and it really showed. Seeing both the two families I knew best crumble apart so badly really changed my perception of how the whole thing went down
Point is the whole thing has really fucked up my idea of love - I'm genuinely terrified of it to the extent that I used to become extremely nasty when I'd been confessed to by two different girls - I didn't even hate them and they were probably good matches but I just couldn't handle the idea of being in love and the commitment that comes with it. My soft side is now one that practically no one ever sees (I can barely even say a nice personal compliment to somebody or tell my grandparents how much I care about them - which I really do), I've pretty much never had a crush except for one slight bit of feelings toward a female friend which disappeared quickly after I actually pictured the reality of being in a relationship and I realised I was becoming a much worse friend because of it - Constantly being insulting and patronising among other things, she actually thought it was hilarious and tried to encourage it but I knew I'd overstep the boundary if I didn't stop myself
Thing is, I've never really felt any sexual desire either - whether thats because the whole thing has happened right as I'm going through the stage where people discover their sexuality and I glitched because of everything or otherwise, but I've never looked at someones body and been attracted by it or felt a desire to have sex. I don't think I'm asexual really but at the same time I wouldn't be surprised if I've become one
Perhaps I'm scared of it all. Perhaps the whole experience just broke me. Perhaps I was always faulty in that side of things - I guess only the future will determine that.
// WWWSC 
// RSF 
// FoIM 
// FoM 
// OSC 
Monika Marija hits home especially hard, those of you who know the song (I imagine most of you) will understand what I'm on about. Am I gonna make it to 21? Who the fuck even knows. Perhaps I need to leave the forum for a while or perhaps I should stay because honestly, I haven't got an awful lot else right now
FoIM | 
NNMC | 
OSC
